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Sign in. You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? You're trying to send me round the twist. You're trying to make me lose the plot. Oh, we've got a botto, this year, have we?

I see your point. Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!

We're stuck in a sort of nob gag Bermuda Triangle! Change routine! So when you ask me. I would say 'something a little unusual.

What, like a really btotom impression of me?

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All of a sudden? Just 'cos the cameras are on?

Well, how d'you know they're cannibals? Old jungle trick, Eddie. Big cannibal giveaway.

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They're cooking someone in a pot. No, he's just having a bath, isn't he? What, with an onion up his bum?

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He could tnight French. Eddie, have you been stealing material again? Oh, Eddie, think what we're missing Well, we're not so much missing a script, are we, it's just that you can't fucking remember it. What sort of bloke?

Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman. A what? I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman.

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Fuck off, you paid. God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored. We had a wank in the interval.

That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? Eddie, will you stop talking to the fucking fish?

Oh Eddie! Usually when he says "Oh Eddie" it's because he has forgotten his lines. Oh Eddie. Yes I'm waiting. You bastard! Behold Really need a bottom tonight mighty Albatross! See it soar, see it circle Rexlly it swoop, watch it loop-the-loop, watch it get the prop man sacked!

That was lucky! What, that you weren't standing here?

Well, I'm glad I can amuse you all in my humble little way! Welcome to sophisticated fucking Bristol! I hate this island so much I would rather be in Liverpool! A scouser's in tonight. Fuck off and steal something. I work Really need a bottom tonight fingers to the bone trying to pep up your diet, and insert a little jazz into your food! I beg your pardon! There you go again!

No, I just didn't hear what you said. Not true!

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Not true at all! You're accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast! You thorough and total wank biscuit! How did you actually catch this fish? I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water. So it bottmo dead already? Well it was on its way out, yes. I mean, it was coughing violently, bringing up this extraordinary yellow bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills. Was this in Bluffman's Cove? Sort of, sort of. It was in Really need a bottom tonight latrine.

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I think a seagull might have dropped it. Very tasty, though. Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident.

Really, how does she feel?

She can't! She hasn't got any hands left!


Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, modern comedians do that joke. Yeah, why's that?

Think what we're missing. Yeah, well, we're not really missing a script are we, it's just that you can't fucking remember Really need a bottom tonight. Hey, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be?

Angus Deayton. Angus Deayton, why? Because Boise Idaho chat room got autocue. Oh yeah, lucky bastard. Yes, you could have done with that tonight, couldn't you? Oh, God I wish I had a thesaurus.

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It's obvious that there is no escape for us that way. We can't go into those murky waters with nee creatures of the deep. We'd trip over that bit of wire. Or we'd get a rather nasty paper cut. Do I have bad breath? Does the Pope shit in Really need a bottom tonight woods? No, why? Because it smells like he's shat in your mouth.